I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
