I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
