if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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