I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
