I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
