I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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