I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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