when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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