dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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