you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
