I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
