I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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