I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
