In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
