first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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