I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
