Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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