Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
