I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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