Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
