I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
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I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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