Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
