I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
