Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
