it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
