I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
