Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
