xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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