this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
