My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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