you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
