i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
