Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
