he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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