Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
