remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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