It was confusing and full of hummus
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
