I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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