I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
