I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
