On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
