I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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