Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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