I could have mohawked her pubes.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
