Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
