There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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