My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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