He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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