You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
