this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
