Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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