Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
