Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize