if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
