My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we're making bets on your personal life
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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