turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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