oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
