two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
